Post #9: Being Appreciated as a Mom

While I am bouncing around chronologically in telling my Nana journey, I realized I would love to share with my readers one of the most favorite emails I ever received from my daughter. I have always thought that one of the greatest gifts we as mothers can receive from our child/children is being appreciated by them for who we are and how much we selflessly and lovingly do for them. And that was what this particular email was all about, and with humor.

I received this email from Stacy on April 15, 2017, when she had been a mother for exactly eight months. Since Stacy’s announced pregnancy, I had willingly and joyfully organized a virtual baby shower, gladly schlepped an enormous collection of baby gifts to her planned birth in Brisbane, Australia, stayed with Stacy and her partner Jason in Brisbane for four weeks for the birth and early infancy period, spent two holiday weeks with all three of them in Fiji, and babysat for six-month old Cooper while Stacy went to a several-day meeting in Santa Barbara, California. I was especially glad to be able to do all of that for my daughter but certainly hoped that all my efforts were gratefully welcomed.

Shortly after Cooper’s birth, Stacy had signed up with a family-oriented website called Tinybeans.com, predominantly to share photos with family and friends. But Stacy also found the Tinybeans parenting and childcare information to be quite informative and helpful. In this case, Stacy had read an article on Tinybeans that she appreciated and thought I would too. Her email came to me with the subject line “if you can access this, you might like it.” The body of her email text was as follows:

“This short article definitely resonated with me.

Love you,

Stacy

http://www.theuglyvolvo.com/the-parenting-milestone-i-was-asked-to-cut-from-my-book-of-parenting-milestones/”

By clicking on the article I found a site called The Ugly Volvo and an entry by author Raquel D’Apice, dated October 25, 2016, entitled “The Parenting Milestone I Was Asked to Cut From My Book of Parenting Milestones.”

So here is a slightly abbreviated version of Ms. D’Apice’s article entitled “The First Time You Fully Appreciate Your Own Parents,” which I am copying here without having obtained any permission to reprint it publicly, but hoping Ms. D’Apice will approve my having done so if my use of her article ever comes to her attention:

Dear My Parents (in my case, mainly my mother),

We are different people.

There is advice you have given me that I am never going to take even if, possibly, it is perfectly good advice.

There are people you might love for me to be like who I will never be like.

There are things you would love for me to think or do that I will never think or do.

And when I was younger you would do that thing where you’d say “Someday if you have kids you’ll understand” and I would do that thing where I rolled my eyes and rode off on my bicycle because ugh, whatever you were saying was so boring I was practically falling asleep while listening to you.

But that, “Someday if you have kids you’ll understand” is the whole reason I’m writing this letter.

Because now I have kids.

And here’s the thing…

We are still different people and there are tons of things about you that I still do not understand. Many of your fashion choices. The almost religious dedication with which you collect Bed Bath and Beyond coupons. There were many times during my childhood when you said “No” to something which I now understand but still don’t agree with and there are things that upset you that still do not make me upset. There are dozens of things on which we don’t, and may never, see eye-to-eye.

But here’s what I did learn. (And I swear, I really did learn something).

Upon becoming a parent myself, I realized how much you love me.

And HO-LY F***ING SH*T.

And I AM SORRY! I’m sorry already, because I know you don’t like it when I curse. But the fact that you have loved me this much for this many years without my ever realizing or catching on was like the wildest plot twist/character reveal in a movie that I never in a million years saw coming. In a world in which every surprise ending is given away by online Facebook spoilers, the fact that you have loved me this intensely for this long without my ever having figured it out knocks me clear off my feet and onto the armchair you quietly wish I would have steam cleaned.

I knew, obviously, that you loved me. But that you have loved me this much for over three decades and I never realized it? It is almost embarrassing. It is like watching a humdrum secondary character from a movie pulling off their mask and revealing that they have been the main character the whole time.

You did a wonderful job. Please know that. Parenting is impossible and I know that I will not be a perfect parent in the same way that you were not a perfect parent, but regardless of all the parent/child nonsense we’ve been through in the past or whatever craziness is in store for us in the future, please know that your efforts are, from the bottom of my heart, appreciated.

I love you so much. Thank you again for everything. Really.

Sincerely,

Your child

Guilty as charged: Nana religiously collects Bed & Bath coupons!

Well, that completely blew me away. After reading the article, I immediately emailed Stacy:

“Wow! I did love it. That brought tears to my eyes.

There is a bond of motherhood that is verbally inexplicable until you experience it.

I came to appreciate my mother more once I became a mother. I assume you are saying you feel that way too.

And, haha! I do religiously collect Bed & Bath Coupons!

Thanks Tinybeans.

Xoxo your mom, who is so glad you have your own kid to mother!

(And whether you believe it or not, there will come a day when you will think to yourself or say to Cooper, ‘someday if you have kids, you'll understand’)”

As I am apt to do, I emailed those communications with Stacy to my sister Carol who replied, “Aha moment!” Indeed, it was.

Thank you author Raquel D’Apice.