Post #3: Widening Circle of Trust

January 2016

Of course, I realized that Stacy's informing Amy still did not give me license to start telling the world, although we all were just selectively leaking out the news. But when we called Jesse's sister Barbara to extend New Year greetings, I thought, like I did with Susan, that Barbara would really appreciate hearing good news. Our nephew Jeff had died from cancer during the past year and his mother Barbara had been understandably heartbroken and bereft. This was not just about me wanting to share Stacy's news, but knowing that Barbara would particularly enjoy hearing about a happy family development. And of course, she was. But as with all the others I had told, I asked Barbara to please keep Stacy's pregnancy a secret until she was further along and we knew all was progressing appropriately.

Skyping with Stacy in early January, I was trying to get a handle on when we could inform more of the family. She had already told me that Jason was "telling everyone." On our side, some important family members had yet to be informed. Prudently, Stacy thought we should keep the news quiet for at least another month. Admittedly, I decided to slightly widen the “circle of trust” as Carol had so named it. I felt that my brother David and his wife Tracy surely ought to know early on as well as cousin Claudia, always a close confidant. And of course, all of them were delighted to receive this terrific news. But they too were told to keep the knowledge to themselves.

There had only been a few weeks since Stacy had first surprised me but the time seemed to pass oh so slowly as I had to hold this “secret” fairly close to my chest. I was hoping to publicly announce Stacy’s pregnancy by my late January birthday. At least to make matters somewhat easier on the secretive side, Jesse & I left for my ten-day, 65th birthday trip to the Galapagos Islands on January 15, on a small tour boat among all strangers. I didn't have any guilt about sharing my news with the one young mother on board, as she could particularly understand my excitement.

On January 20, while touring around Santa Cruz Island, we received a very exciting email from Stacy with the first ultrasound photo. Admittedly, I had no idea what I was looking at. But just the fact that an image could be taken at this early stage was amazing to me, who had no gestational ultrasounds during my 1970’s pregnancies. Stacy had gone to Brisbane, Australia, and seen an obstetrician, referred by her Fiji OB. Blood tests for genetic testing had also been taken with results to be forthcoming. As I shopped at the Galapagos airport on our tour departure, commemorative baby purchasing was on my mind and I bought a cute onesie with a funny baby booby cartoon image. The blue-footed booby bird is iconically Galapagos, so the color was no indication of what I expected or preferred for baby gender.

"Don't get carried away," Jesse warned me. "Let's wait ‘til we hear the blood test results."

I wasn't intending to go on a wild baby spending spree, so I didn't consider one little onesie to be getting carried away.

Yet when I returned home and went to my local jeweler's to pick up a repaired watch, I happened to notice a baby music box in the shape of a turtle. That also felt significant because we were in the Galapagos, the islands named for their tortoise population, when we received the first ultrasound image of our grandchild. Of course, I bought the turtle music box, but didn't mention that to Jesse.

I had returned home at the end of January to my birthday week. I had envisioned sending an email on January 26, my actual birthdate, to many of our nearest and dearest entitled "Best birthday gift ever," to widely announce the news of Stacy's pregnancy. But I was deterred by the absence of the blood test results which had yet to be forthcoming. A lovely birthday flower arrangement came from Stacy but I was even more touched by the accompanying note: "Dear Mom, Thanks for always being there for me. Love, Stacy." Being appreciated is one of the best rewards of motherhood. Pregnancy, it seemed, was already augmenting Stacy's appreciation of her mother.

The oft-told remark from parent to child may be a cliché but tends to be true: "You'll understand when you become a parent." Well, Stacy was not quite a parent but she already seemed to be understanding, as indicated by the birthday note. And I enormously appreciated that acknowledgement.

I might not be able to tell everyone but it seemed like a couple other relatives certainly should be brought into the widening circle of trust. I emailed the news with attached ultrasound to Stacy's cousin Abby, a pediatrician (and would not have been surprised if Abby's mother Barbara had already informed her as these family secrets are pretty hard to keep). Additionally, I told Carol she could spread the news to her daughter Marissa.

"Actually I already told her," admitted Carol, because Marissa, who had recently ended a long-term relationship, was lamenting that, as a 30-something, she might eventually be too old to have a child. So Carol told of 40 year-old Stacy's pregnancy to cheer up Marissa. And it did, exemplifying another worthwhile reason for breaking a secret in the interest of spreading happiness.

The birthday celebrating went longer than usual for my entrée into senior citizenship. On Saturday night, January 31, we had dinner plans to jointly celebrate my birthday as well as that of our friend Murray Goodman, born on January 24. In addition to Murray and wife Jill, also joining us would be our mutual friends Cathy and Ira Singer, who also happen to be the in-laws of our nephew Joshua Kaplan (sorry if this family tree is getting too cumbersome). I knew we would be birthday toasting, so I decided to make a surprise toast to Stacy's pregnancy. Already grandparents, the Goodmans and Singers were added to the ranks of persons as delighted to hear our news as I was to divulge it.

Well, since I was telling the Singers about Stacy, I figured that I had better inform the rest of the Kaplan family, which I did by email on Sunday morning. Josh's wife Jaime wrote back immediately, "I can't believe my mother didn't tell me when I spoke with her today!" Thanks, Cathy, for letting me get the word out first.

At that point, I ought to tell my nephew Michael Gart (Carol's son) and his wife Karen, so I sent them an email too. "You may have been the first on our side of cousins to the altar," I wrote to the couple who had married less than two years ago, "but it looks like Stacy is producing the first of the next Abrams (my maiden name) side generation." Knowing that the Garts had recently built and moved into a spacious new home, I added, "But I'm sure you won't be too far behind."

At that point, having informed most of our closest of family and some dear friends, I was feeling less pressured about further limiting the divulgence of this “secret.” Yet there were still plenty of people I would like to inform, but would try to patiently wait until I had the complete okay from Stacy to openly spread this not-so-new-anymore news.

February 2016

On February 3, Jesse and I received a new email from Stacy entitled "Ultrsound pics:"

"Hi Mom and Dad,

I got another ultrasound scan today. Everything is normal − baby has four limbs and was shaking them around like a dance-off. Still waiting on the results of the genetic test, but the measurements that they did of the spinal cord thickness (which can indicate Down's if too thick) were in normal range.

Love, Stacy"

And this ultrasound actually looked like an identifiable fetus with a head. Very cool for me to view. Great news and very positive about the Down's Syndrome contraindication, but we were still holding back about telling all until blood test results were revealed.

So to my great surprise on February 4, I stumbled upon a Facebook post from Stacy with her recent ultrasound image, rather publicly pronouncing her pregnancy. So what's a grandmother-to-be to do? I shared her FB post adding, "If my daughter is telling the world, I guess I can too." Congratulatory comments populated the Facebook posts. In personal communication with Stacy, she explained that she posted on Facebook out of the frustration of making excuses to work colleagues and friends for being tired, gaining weight, avoiding alcoholic beverages, etc. No more excuses now.

Then I also sent an email to a lengthy list of relatives and friends, who may or may not have seen the Facebook post, entitled "Not a secret anymore." More cheerful replies came back to me directly.

My college roommate Linda Edeiken emailed from her sailboat in French Polynesia:

“So Beryl - How long have you known about Stacy's fantastic news??????? I am sooo excited I can hardly contain myself. I knew how much you and Jesse wanted to be grandparents and were brooding about the prospects. Have you met Jason? Will Stacy have the baby in Fiji and stay there to continue working? Tell me...tell me...tell me....all about it!!!! Sending you both big hugs and giant congratulations!!!!

My longtime friend Cheryl Chernack, whose daughter Elizabeth grew up with Stacy, emailed:

“I got the chills!!!! I am so excited for you and Jesse!! Please keep me posted on everything

This baby will be your petit prince or princess…I promise!!!”

Having noticed that two of Jason's siblings commented on Stacy's Facebook pregnancy, I wondered if I should open some lines of communication with Jason's family members. As Stacy and Jason had become serious enough to intentionally become parents, I was occasionally questioned by my family members or friends about any connection to Jason's family, as would be normally expected when the man in one's daughter's life is becoming akin to a son-in-law. But in an email to me, Stacy replied, "I don't think it's a good idea as I hardly know them."

“Understood,” I said, “But what about Jason? I would like to communicate some congratulations to him,” I told Stacy as we Skyped.

"Well, that's okay," she agreed, and gave me Jason's contact email.

So on February 15, I emailed Jason, with a Bcc to Stacy, the following:

Hello Jason,

Jesse and I are so very excited for you and Stacy in advance of your bringing a child into the world together.

Of course, Stacy has been keeping me posted each step of the way as she recognized her pregnant state.

But I also wanted to write to you directly to say how happy we are about this new development for both of you.

Admittedly, Jesse and I are also very happy to know that we will become grandparents this year.

We also know that you are very busy as you are about to make a major move to Fiji with a promising chef’s position lined up at Governors restaurant.

We want to wish you all the best of luck in that endeavour. We realize you and Stacy will both be having a lot of major changes in your life, and wish you well, as you and Stacy start a new chapter of your lives together.

We also look forward to seeing both you and Stacy in April when Jesse and I come to Suva for a brief visit.

All the best going forward.

Our very best wishes,

xoxo Beryl & Jesse

Stacy immediately emailed back, “Nice note.” So I was particularly glad to get my daughter’s seal of approval. I also shortly received a lovely reply from Jason:

Hello Beryl and Jesse,

Thank you for the beautiful email.

I am very excited to be moving to Fiji to spend my life with Stacy and the little bub's to be, this is happening so fast, but I can't help but smile. Stacy is the love of my life.

I look forward to seeing you in April when you both come over to Fiji.

Best wishes to both of you.

Jason

Xo

I was especially touched by Jason’s remark that Stacy is the love of his life.